Don’t Let Your Loneliness Make You Reconnect with Toxic People.
Don’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty.
This week I found this quote from Jay Shetty that read “don’t let your loneliness make you reconnect with toxic people. You shouldn’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty”.
Man, that hits hard. And it’s true!
In Jay Shetty’s book, Think Like a Monk, he notes (and I’m paraphrasing) that it’s better to be alone than to drag on bad relationships.
And it’s absolutely true. These types of relationships make a huge impact on how we experience the world. They can depress us, keep us from healing, and keep us from growing. And what’s tough, is that some of these relationships are some of the oldest ones we have.
I’ve always said that the best relationships are built off of common values and goals, not necessarily time or history. And by honoring that idea, I can say that I’ve been able to keep relationships that have lifted me when I needed it most, but I equally feel like I contribute to in a positive way.
So how can we start identifying toxic relationships? Well first and foremost, it will always come down to what your specific values are. I personally take note of the following:
- Does the person on the other end make an effort to add to the relationship, or simply take from it?
- Are the conversations we have generally uplifting and positive or cynical/focused on gossip?
- How do I feel when I’m around that person? Excited and comfortable or anxious?
- Does that person celebrate my growth or make me feel guilty for changing?
- Are the activities that we partake in aligned with my goals and values? I.e. Do they always want to spend time drinking or can we participate in something that energizes us like exercise/service to others?
Look, I’m not saying that you should just go and start dropping people in your life because they don’t check all the boxes, I’m just saying that it might be beneficial to draw some clear boundaries around where you spend your energy. At the end of the day, the people you spend your time with should add to your energy, not take from it.
Be sure to have real conversations on what your goals and values are with the people you’re in these relationships with. You might find that some people in your circle want to grow with you, while others might think you’re out of your mind. That’s okay. You cannot be for everyone, but you shouldn’t break for anyone either.
It’s tough, I’ve had to end some of my oldest friendships, and I’ve even drawn very hard lines with my immediate family- and it was not easy at all. In fact, it was some of the hardest things I’ve ever done and it took a lot of time to get there. But what was important to me was my health and my happiness, and I needed to take a stand for it and I believe that everyone should.
Remember, these conversations can take time take time and at the end of the day you’re dealing with people so it should be done with love and respect, but it needs to be done for the benefit of everyone involved. It might not feel good at first, but I promise you that everyone will be better off in the long run.
This might seem a little selfish at first, but keeping relationships that make you miserable does no one any good. You’re doing yourself a very obvious disservice, but you’re also doing the person on the other end a disservice by not being 100% honest with where you are or how you feel.
Today I can say that my relationships are much healthier and happier. They’re not all perfect, but being intentional about who I kept close to me has been one of the greatest factors to my fulfillment and success in life, and I truly hope that reading this might help you if you’re struggling on your own.
